When Grief Is Complicated

I’m preparing to speak in a couple weeks on the topic of grief and sadness. I’ll be sharing a part of my own story along the way, which got me thinking about complicated grief, or, as some say, compounded grief.

When meeting with my new grief counselor a few months after David’s death in Iraq, she listened to my story intently. When I finished, she let out a deep breath and said, “You are suffering from compounded grief, Marilyn.” This was after I recited what had occurred in my life a few months before David was killed. One son came home from the war in Iraq and two weeks later another left for the war. My mother in-law died of Alzheimer’s. We moved into our current home, in a new neighborhood. My daughter was married…which was not a grief, only a change! David’s leave coincided with her wedding and he was home on leave for 15 days, then he had return to the war zone. One week after he left, my position in youth ministry at our church was eliminated. I was devastated about my job loss. I worked in our church for eight years in a position I adored and now it was gone. Eventually we left that church community, as well. I probably wasn’t everyone’s first pick for a fun dinner party.

Only one week after I lost my job, two men in dress uniform came to our home with the worst news a parent could hear. I was absolutely stunned. David was just here two weeks ago…how could this be true? I was numb and in shock for a very long time. I was overwhelmed with the changes and loss and my brain could not process it all.

As I worked through facing my grief and losses, I had a deep sense that God, in His grace, gave me a wide open space, full of mercy, to grieve as long as I needed. I also sensed His tender lovingkindness to me, while some humans preferred that I get on with it, He reminded me again and again of the wide open space filled with grace as I faced my complicated grief.